.:: When You Just Want to RUNAWAY ::.

Assalamualaikum,

It's been a long time since i write here.
I'm married now, and its almost 4 years.
I don't think i have to pour my heart out because i THINK my life is complete.
You know real life, they don't have that HAPPILY EVER AFTER kinda thing.
I know that, but i wouldn't know it will turn out like this.

My self esteem is no more like when i met my husband.
I feel like people look down on my, how i look, how i dress up and etc
You know the one person u hope to love u and accept u as who u are turned on u
He said he doesn't have feeling when he looked at me.
How would you response to that, how would u forget about it

My look, because i'm gaining weight after marriage.
My look, as if I'm a sloppy person
My look, who he embarrass by if his friends see me
My look, which I try to change it but failed
My look, UGLY!!!

As this happened sometimes last year,
I still thinking, still lingering in my thought how he feel about me
Marriage isn't easy, but this, what happened... HURT like hell
And i never recover from the WORD he said to me
I feel empty and the worst thing is I CANT RUNAWAY!!

The thing that happening right now make me thinking,
Should i just let him go when we had the argument because i'm begged him like a crazy person
But now i just feel i made a mistake to let him stay with me
Because i feel nothing, i can't trust to LOVE him anymore,
My heart is empty, i just want to RUNAWAY!

I wish i could runaway and leave this life
Leave him so he could b happy
I don't think he is happy with me and i'm not happy the way i am right now
I'm just COOPING in my small little world that i could find that happiness I've been looking for.
I hate this feeling...

I hate that i can't just leave it
I hate that i can't just be love
I hate i can get what i want
I hate that my peoples i want to be close to is at another part of universe
I hate every choice I've made to get to this point

I HATE ME!!