.:: When You Just Want to RUNAWAY ::.

Assalamualaikum,

It's been a long time since i write here.
I'm married now, and its almost 4 years.
I don't think i have to pour my heart out because i THINK my life is complete.
You know real life, they don't have that HAPPILY EVER AFTER kinda thing.
I know that, but i wouldn't know it will turn out like this.

My self esteem is no more like when i met my husband.
I feel like people look down on my, how i look, how i dress up and etc
You know the one person u hope to love u and accept u as who u are turned on u
He said he doesn't have feeling when he looked at me.
How would you response to that, how would u forget about it

My look, because i'm gaining weight after marriage.
My look, as if I'm a sloppy person
My look, who he embarrass by if his friends see me
My look, which I try to change it but failed
My look, UGLY!!!

As this happened sometimes last year,
I still thinking, still lingering in my thought how he feel about me
Marriage isn't easy, but this, what happened... HURT like hell
And i never recover from the WORD he said to me
I feel empty and the worst thing is I CANT RUNAWAY!!

The thing that happening right now make me thinking,
Should i just let him go when we had the argument because i'm begged him like a crazy person
But now i just feel i made a mistake to let him stay with me
Because i feel nothing, i can't trust to LOVE him anymore,
My heart is empty, i just want to RUNAWAY!

I wish i could runaway and leave this life
Leave him so he could b happy
I don't think he is happy with me and i'm not happy the way i am right now
I'm just COOPING in my small little world that i could find that happiness I've been looking for.
I hate this feeling...

I hate that i can't just leave it
I hate that i can't just be love
I hate i can get what i want
I hate that my peoples i want to be close to is at another part of universe
I hate every choice I've made to get to this point

I HATE ME!!

.:: M.I.M.P.I ::.

ehem2..ttbe terajin plak aku nk menaip kat blog nih...

padahal waktu opis..ttbe idea melimpah lak..haha...

ni sume sbb mimpi aku mlm td...

dari kt lam kete td aku tefikir sal mmpi aku malam td.

aku mimpi lagi pasal ex-boy aku, Lan..ttbe lak die masok..aku pon xtaw nenape...

lam mimpi tu aku satu tempat blaja ngn die...tp xtaw name tempat aku blajar tu ape...

mimpi...untungla klu dpt detail satu2 sal mimpi tu...

okey..bebalik kt mimpi tu...aku mimpi cam belajar...tp rase cam keje...

nth aku pon xphm..lam mimpi tu aku cam cube nk dekatkan diri ngn Lan..

mgkin sbb aku teringat kenangan ngn die kot..

teringat time aku cam org gile nk kt die alek..hmmmm..

lam mimpi tu aku tegur die...tp mesti ala nada2 cam perli...haishh...

aku ase aku ade tnye die sal die kuat keje or sbb untung da berpnye...

n then aku igt jawapan die 'haah la..sbb org nk betunang da'

huihh..pe lak maksud mimpi nih...die btol2 nk tunang ke...

kalau betul..alhamdulillah...syukur..aku mmg harap die jumpe org yg sebaik2 umat

sbb die mmg baik...untung sape dpt memahat name kt hati die...

tp aku cam ase perit je lam mimpi nih...

mungkin sbb die da xde ngn aku...

(tp aku xkesah pon..da lame da aku boleh terima die bukan milik aku agy)

lepas bangon tdo..ttbe aku ase...

mungkin sbb perit sbb aku pon tgh struggle nk carik duit skang nih

aku xperit sbb die ngn org lain ke ape...sbb aku da ade org yg aku syg..

aku da ade die..so xperlu aku nk pk sal lan ngn sape ke...ape ke..

sbb aku syg die ..aku syg ko Muhammad Izrulzahier bin Kamarudin sgt2...

haishhh..mimpi pelik2 je la aku skang...bangon2 je td ase sakit je kt aty nih..haha

Ya Allah kuatkan la aku tok tempuh dugaan nih...murahkan la rezeki aku..

ahli keluarga ku..sahabat2 aku..aminnnnnnnnn.......

.:: S.A.K.I.T ::.

Sakit

hati, why u always keep it inside

kalau la aku ni pandai bekata2

mmg aku da lame kuarkan kot...

skang sekadar tok jg hati

aku simpan je la....

Sakit

why izzit my life is so haunted by the past.

even dgn org yg aku sgt syg skang.

but bende lame still jd...

tlg la...cepat la bende ni pergi.

aku xmo da rase camni..

Sakit

kenape semakin dikejar

semakin jauh mende yg aku nk

too much pressure too much thought

i'm tired..seriously tired..

Ya Allah please show me a way...

Sakit

telampau byk aku fikir

ke aku mengade2 je nih..

aku xmo sakitkan aty die...

minx la die just boley bitaw sume..

so aku ley jatohkan ego aku

Sakit

satu bende je buat aku sakit

bende yg dirancang...bende yg buat aku excited

tp aku sakit bile fikir, tgk, dgr atau planning..

ape yg aku buat skang cume nk ignore sume nih

smpai btol2 aku nmpak cahaya tu balik :(

Sakit..sakit.....sakit......... :'( sakit utk menangis setiap kali aku teringat sume nih..... :'(

.:: P.E.D.I.H ::.

Pedih..
kata-kata yg keluar dari die..
mmg pedih sumenye...
mmg mcm tu kot perlakuan die..
and aku da taw kot die mcm tu..
tp kenapa ape yg die ckp tu sgt pedih...
smpai boley mengalirkan air mata aku..
utk die buat kali ke berapa nth...

mmg air mata aku ni tok die je ke...
or mmg diri aku ni sentiasa di linangi tangisan air mata je...
haishhh...what's wrong with me..!!!
get over him n move on!!
tp aku da move on!!
shiallll la..nape die gak yg ade lam hati aku!!
nape?! nape?!

die da xperlukan aku...
why aku menangis lagi pasal die!!
bodo la ko dila! sgt bodo!!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......!!

Da lame tak tulis lam ni..

Hoho….saje nk luahkan ape yg ade..

Please abaikan post aku sblm ni..

Meroyan suda hehe….

Ttbe kan aku terasa….

Mcm kekurangan kasih syg ..

Baru-baru ni aku join satu group ni..

Best tgk dorg…

Even dorg bukan adik bradik sbnr…

Tp care dorg dah mmg cam adik bradik…

Aku nk rase camtu gak..

Bende yg aku xkan dpt dari family aku…

Haishhh…

Patut ke aku rase camni…

Tp mmg aku ase bahagia tgk dorg..

Even aku bkn part of them…

Kekadang jeles pon ade..

Sbb aku x penah dpt rase camtu..

Aku nk ade perasaan dilindungi …

Macam yg aku dpt rase bile tgk dorg sume...

Semoga ape yg dorg ade kekal sampai bile-bile…

Aminnnn…

.:: Secebis Hati Ingin Meluah ::.

Org yg berkenaan...
Owg sygkan dye lg...
tp owg taw owg da xde dlm aty dye..
owg minx maaf ngn ape yg jd ngn kite..
siyes owg xde niat...

igt x dulu waktu dye tnye owg syg dye lg tak..
owg ckp tak..but dlm aty owg mmg sygkan dye..
cume owg nk time off sbb problem..
n problem tu la buat owg tak fikir dua kali...

tp tu sume tak penting..
ye owg taw jgn ungkit kisah lame..
tp owg maseh xtenteram sampai skang...
owg taw dye da ade life snirik skang..
sorry..owg bukan nak minx ape yg penah owg minx dulu...
rasenye kalau owg minx mesti pisang bebuah dua kali..
owg xnk rase camtu da...

maybe sbb dulu owg lepaskan dye sbb xde choice len..
sbb dye da ade org lain...
org yg dye pilih sekelip mate je..
org yg dye xpenah jumpe lagi...
compare to owg yg ade ade sejarah ngn dye..
maybe sbb dye da ade rase benci sgt2 kat owgkan time tu...
owg nk taw..

owg nk taw..time dye choose org tu...
mmg owg da xde lam aty dye ke?
atau hanye nk sakitkan aty owg?
n dye mmg xley time owg sbb benci sgt2 da kat owg??

igt balik owg minx maap klu owg ade amek pic ngn laki rapat2..
tp pecaya la..owg xpenah curang pon..
owg xpenah ade org lain..sume yg dye nampak..
sumenye kawan...
xpenah owg anggap dorg lebih dari kawan..

owg ckp sume ni bukan ape...
owg rase cam xdpt nk larik dari perasaan syg kat dye lagi..
owg xley syg kt org len cam owg syg kat dye..
maybe smpai bile2 owg xley ilangkan rase syg owg kat dye...
tu pasti..mmg xley buang...
tp owg akan amek iktibar pe yg jadi kt kite...

maybe owg nk satu jawapan dari dye...
untuk owg teruskan hidup ni..
minx maaf bnyk2...
harap dye btol2 maafkan owg
minx2 klu dye bace ape yg owg ckp kat sini..
dye akan doakan owg tenang tuk hadapi idup ni tanpa dye da ....
tolong sgt2...doakn kebahagiaan owg ye...
owg pon akan doakan kebahagiaan dye..

walaupun dye bukan ngn owg da :)

Assalamualaikum..... :)
Maafkan owg dari hujung kaki smpai hujung rambut.... :)